Nearly 9 months ago, I willingly gave up (almost) everything…I was growing locs for about 5 years at that point, I had a solid attachment to my hair and felt that it represented who I was. Because I was so used to people telling me thats who I was. I cut it all of, As I stared at all my hair on the floor of my bedroom I felt a tinge of fear but more so a rush of release… No turning back now.
With my hair being only one of ties on the list of things to get rid of, I shakily called my boyfriend of 6 years to break it off with him. We had a dreamy spontaneous relationship for the most part, but there were too little boundaries, somewhere down the line we got lost in translation about respecting and understanding each others needs, honestly felt like a merry-go-round that I couldn’t figure out if I was enjoying or just adapted to. I didn’t know who I was without him, I wanted, needed out. Surprisingly, when I called to break the news, he was already about to pick up his phone and break it off with me. What a relief! I wasn’t the bad guy for wanting out. The break up hurt FOR SURE, but again the release I got from it was incomparable.
Looking from outside of myself I was so proud that I was finally starting to make the change,It had been itching at me for some time.Here I was on the way to meeting the person inside. In search of finding out who I was, my angels were urging me to purge the comforts and distractions that most of my life was comprised of. I let go of “friends” that served me no purpose aside for the occasional drunken nights out. Before my purge I was a definite people pleaser, I was always in the mix and around to make others feel good. Not fully aware of how drained I was internally. Who heals the healer? I was surrounded by energy vampires. The more I would pray and meditate, It started to become so clear of who was really there for me and who was just there for a good time. Now, single with very little friends, I felt empty…but a good empty. I knew that being uncomfortable was something that would accelerate my growth. I wanted to keep going, keep shedding. I was beginning to see parts of my truest self within the layers I had myself trapped under. It was time to swim deeper into the darkness before I fully came back up for air.
I wanted to take things a bit further, I decided I wanted to live off the grid! But how could I do this realistically without worrying my family and become a train hopper with scabies. With a little research I found a very very low paying conservation program, The site stated that I’d be working in a crew with five other people and we would be exploring and fixing trails, while living in tents in the backwoods. I anxiously applied to probably six programs. Maine Conservation corps called me 3 weeks later and I did a lengthy phone interview. I got in. Super stoked, I was getting closer to being able to have my coming to Jesus moment in the middle of the woods somewhere while also getting to repair erosion and give back to the environment. I broke the news to my two jobs that I loathed, and let my roommate, (who I also cut off) know that I was on my way outta there! I found someone to take my room super quick. Everything was falling into place. I gave away my 1980s Panasonic bike, living room furniture,my bed and dresser/desk set. I gave away half of my closet, It was even time to find a home for my pregnant cat, Who I loved. (sorry Venus). Besides my car, I was basically down to some clothes and a couple pieces from my art collection. None of these things were easy to get rid of, and in the heat of the moment I felt like I was becoming less of a normal person. As if this isn’t who society groomed me to be, but I didn’t care. Amid getting rid of my physical belongings. The sense of detachment was engulfing my every move. I was starting to realize that addressing my fear of losing people/things was going to take some spunk and determination. Plenty of People accumulate things and hold onto toxic people to drown out the cries in their own heads. I refuse to be one of those people. I got on the plane to Maine, even leaving behind my trusty car. For six months I lived in a single person tent, drank from the pond, and ate trail mix for dinner. I got lost, I talked to trees, I touched the stars at night, and I was held by the sounds of elk and crickets. I had no phone or mirror. Only my voice to assure me that I was, essentially still me. The switch of lifestyle and scenery took work to adjust to. I was alone often and started to question if I was crazy for leaving my decent comforts to go without showers and freeze in a sleeping bag every night Not realizing it was transforming me into something greater. Someone who doesn’t need things or others to feel alive. I was on the way to feeling again. Being in the woods slowed everything down, made me realize how trying to keep up with society rushes thoughts and speeds everything up. Giving folks no time to observe themselves and the place that their feet are in. After my time in Maine was over, I wanted to keep that same energy, and I did for the most part. Some things I couldn’t bring back to the real world, like digging cat holes to use the bathroom or washing my clothes in the lake. I maintained the sense of being still when need be & listening to my own voice when I feel there is nothing else. Even now, about four months now that I’ve been back, you could still consider me a gypsy. I haven’t technically moved into a spot yet, because my traveling has increased, and I want to move freely with no lease holding me down. I’ve even gotten accustomed to wearing the same 10 articles of clothing. Something my old self would’ve frowned upon. I don’t shop for useless Knick knacks or impractical items anymore and Although I miss having a pet, I love not being responsible for anybody other than myself. For once.
